Learning to Smile
by faithinfate
Summary: snape discovers that a girl noone ever noticed before is in trouble...she is suicidal and no one but him can see it. she is always hiding behind this mask. snape is questioning his life. together they learn that life has purpose. romance later
1. First Glance

First Glance  
  
Snape, in his usual sweep of robes, rushed into the room. With his trademark icy-cold voice, he began.  
  
"Today we will be working on a depression potion. This potion- MS GRANGER PUT YOUR HAND DOWN! - This potion causes whoever drinks it to become severely depressed. If made incorrectly, the drinker will suffer from hysterics. The ingredients are on the board- Get Started." He was in an especially foul mood today, that morning Dumbledor asked him to help organize the next ball.  
  
Stalking around the room, he came to stand beside the Golden Trios desks. His sharp ears immediately picked up on Hermione's whispered instructions to Neville.   
  
"Ms. Granger, if you insist on opening your big mouth in class, I will have to give you a detention." Hermione blanched at the thought of a detention with Snape, and quickly shut her mouth, which only caused the Slytherins on the other sides of the room to laugh harder. Ron, growing red at Snape's comments, started to stand, but Harry held him back, whispering,  
  
"Let it go Ron! It isn't worth it! This is our last year, you wouldn't want to get expelled now, would you?"  
  
"But he just insulted "Mione!"  
  
"Just cool, alright? The ball is in a month, he can take away our tickets!"  
  
"Errrg!!! Alright, but if he says anything....."  
  
"I know- I know!" Harry was worried; someday Ron's temper might get the best of him.  
  
Snape, although walking away, heard the two of them. Damn Golden Trio!! I can NOT wait for this year to be over! Maybe Albus will let me retire...After all, with voldermort defeated, he has no need for me to stick around. Inspecting the cauldrons, he found that only Hermione had made the potion correctly. No, wait, who's was that back there? He turned and headed towards the mysterious girl. He couldn't remember seeing her before, but she must be a student, she was wearing the Gryfindor robes. Once he reached her desk, he recognized her, although it took him a few moments. She was Jasmine Spyri, a girl who always had her potions done early, and correctly. He was a little surprised to see that she was not sitting by another Gryfindor, but Blaise Zambini.  
  
"Yes, Professor Snape?" Blaise asked hopefully, mentally praying that his potion was right.  
  
"Mr. Zambini, your potion is a wreck. I suggest you dispose of it before it explodes and I have to send you to Madam Pomfrey." He replied to his student, and then turned his attention to the girl next to him. He was absolutely livid when he saw that she was not working on the potion, but writing in some sort of muggle notebook, instead of parchment.  
  
"And why aren't you working on your potion?" He asked, with anger evident in his voice.  
  
"As you can see, Prof. Snape, my potion is done, and there is no need to stir it any longer, that is, unless you would like it to become suicidal potion." So she was smart....the only other person (besides himself) that knew if you stirred it to long, it became a potion that made the drinker suicidal was ms. Granger.   
  
"Well? What are you waiting for? Bottle it and place it on my desk!" His frosty voice had no affect on her, and she went on, writing another line or two in her notebook. Snape, upon looking back, realized that this girl could not be fazed by anything. He remembered one time, in her third year when Malfoy tried to startle her with a curse from behind, she simply turned around and threw a counter-curse. Malfoy was certainly surprised, and he never tried to pick on her again. After finishing, she quickly bottled up the potion, and cleaned her cauldron with a simple spell. While she was putting the flask on his desk, Snape sneaked a look at the notebook on which she was writing. He was a little surprised to see it was a poem, and had to make sure his face didn't show it before he went on to read it.  
  
Hidden  
  
I've been hiding,  
  
Hiding from you  
  
Keeping the pain  
  
And the scars  
  
To myself  
  
You ask me what's wrong  
  
But I assure you that I'm fine  
  
I lied  
  
I lied to you  
  
But you don't know  
  
You assume that I'm being honest  
  
I'm not  
  
You should know  
  
That I'm not ok  
  
You should see it  
  
Look closer  
  
Look closer into these eyes  
  
The windows to my soul  
  
Don't you see the hurt?  
  
Don't you see the worry?  
  
Don't you see  
  
The pain etched on my skin?  
  
Those little cuts   
  
Don't come from nowhere  
  
I guess you just don't care  
  
You can't take the time  
  
To take a good look at me  
  
To see the life draining from me  
  
To see that I'm hiding from you  
  
Hiding,  
  
Right when I need you the most  
  
The girl's small neat handwriting was easy to read, and he quickly finished the short poem. The intensity of the words shocked him, and the obvious thought into each line was surprising. The poems he had seen written by other members of her year were only 3 or 4 lines, about cherubs and valentines. Glancing up, he saw that Jasmine had come back to her desk. She quickly closed her notebook, and with a look of pure disgust, she addressed the Prof. in a whisper, although the anger was obvious  
  
"Prof. Snape, WHAT do YOU think you are doing?! It is incredibly disrespectful to read someone's PRIVATE notebook!!!" Snape, partially stunned at the outward way she spoke, answered  
  
"Ms. Spyri, you will report in my office at 7 tonight for detention!"  
  
"FOR WHAT?!" She said, still in a whisper, yet her voice was like venom. Again, Snape wondered why she was not placed in Slytherin.  
  
"For questioning a Prof. actions. Class dismissed!" The students filed out, and Jasmine, placing her books in her pack, reached out for her notebook, to find that it was still in Snape's hand.  
  
"You will give that back." She told him, in a commanding voice that was plain. It was so fierce, that Snape almost handed it back to her, but caught himself.   
  
"I am confiscating this notebook, to ensure that you will be at detention tonight." He waited for her face to get red, or for her to say something in that icy voice of hers, but instead she smirked.  
  
"Alright, fine. Seven it is. See you tonight Prof." This certainly shocked the Professor and after realizing that he was gaping at her retreating form, he was glad that no one was left in the room to see him.  
  
Jasmine quickly climbed up the stairs to her dormitory, glad that double potions was the last class of the day. As she approached the painting of the Lady In The Black Dress, she spoke the password, "Emily Dickinson". In her fourth year, she had asked Dumbledor for her own private room. Knowing that Dumbledor would not just give anyone his or her own room, she told him the truth. Although Jasmine was practically invisible to her peers, she could see when someone was troubled, and acted like an agony aunt to the whole school. She knew almost everyone's secrets, and whenever someone had problems, she saw and made sure they were ok. She asked Dumbledor for her own rooms because it was becoming harder and harder to find a private place to talk. He willing agreed, and knew that her fellow students were not appreciative of her special care, and included bathrooms, and even a kitchenette in her quarters.   
  
Jasmine had a special quality about her: it was as if she could read minds. She was impossible to lie to, although she herself could lie seamlessly. She could see behind any mask, although she herself wore one. She never let her emotions reach her face, and because of this she was on good terms with the whole school, including the Slytherins. She was a Gryfindor, but she didn't show it. In fact, she could have fit well into any house. Jasmine was always the observer, and picked up on details well.  
  
As she entered her room, her whole body was filled with anger. Quickly casting a soundproofing spell, she let out a raging scream. How could he?! How could he take away her journal??? She didn't mind the detention, that was nothing, but her journal?! That was her personal writings!!! She took a deep breath, and her calm, cool, collected self returned. Not wanting to walk down to the Great Hall, she went to the kitchenette and fixed a quick meal. Spending the rest of the evening reading in her favorite book of poems, the time for her detention came.  
  
AN: my first fic, please tell me wat you think!!!! I NEED A BETA!!! I NEED A BETA!!! EMAIL ME PLEASE!!!!! 


	2. Poker Face

Poker Face  
  
Snape Stormed around his office, slamming books on shelves and ruffling papers on his desk. He was not use to his students standing up to him. Maybe I'm getting too soft... He thought to himself. Finally sitting down at his desk, he looked to the notebook. It was muggle style, black and white speckled. Curiosity getting the better of him, he started to flip through it, finding that page after page was filled with words. Some sort of journal... But journaling is a muggle thing! Only a very few witches/wizards wrote in journals. With caution (remembering the Tom Riddle disaster) he turned back to the front few pages and started to read to himself  
  
10:27pm Friday, December 16  
  
Today has been very hard. It all started in transfiguration. Hermione G. (the smart mouth who hangs around Potter) of course finished just a few moment before I did, but of course McGonagall either pretended not to see me, or really just didn't. Some times it is a blessing to be able to blend in so well, but sometimes it's just hurtful. I spent the rest of the hour working on a new poem I thought of yesterday in DADA. We were covering counter-curses (AGAIN!) so I didn't think I needed to pay that close of attention, after all: I've seen more then my share of the dark arts, I think I know how to handle them more then anyone in that room!   
  
Lunch, and then Double Potions- and I was actually looking forward to it. Believe it or not, I think Snape is one of the best teachers here at Hogwarts. Unfortunately, as I was walking down to the Great Hall, I saw Hannah Abbot bawling her eyes out in a corner, almost out of sight. I quickly ushered her into my private quarters, which luckily, weren't far away. After sitting her down with a cup of tea, I gently asked her how her family was. I knew from past visits that she and her mother were like oil and water, and Hannah felt terrible because of it. After about 10-15 minutes of talking, I found out that all crying was only about not getting an owl from her boyfriend, who goes to another school. Usually I have more patience, but I was already on a short lease from transfiguration. I almost yelled at her!! How am I going to face the Dark Side with that temper? I MUST get better control of myself. Sometimes I wish I had been placed in Slytherin, it would have been easier to learn to lie and such, but then again...1 Peter 2:19-23  
  
It is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God  
  
One endures sorrows,  
  
While suffering unjustly-  
  
For what credit is it if,  
  
When you sin and are beaten for it,  
  
You endure?  
  
But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure,  
  
This is a gracious thing in the sight of God.  
  
I found that passage last night while praying. Another reason I am grateful for my private rooms. It is hard to be a Christian in this world. The other witches don't believe in Christ, and the Christians think wizardry is sinful. Why can't everyone see that magic may just be another form of the Holy Spirit? This is an argument that will never end, so I will stop writing about it.   
  
Anyway- I sent Hannah away to lunch lit some candles to south my nerves. I didn't bother to eat lunch- I weighed myself just yesterday: a whole 112 pounds. I MUST get back down to a hundred. I'm such a slob!   
  
After lunch, I headed down to the dungeons, my mood lifting. I've always really like potions, although I like all my subjects. I don't think others noticed, but since the war ended, I have been able to tell a difference in Snape. He is still the "overgrown bat" that the others call him, but he seems more at ease, if it's possible. Maybe I have been seeing things. We were working on a really complicated potion, and I actually made it right! YAY for me, of course, no one ever noticed. Oh well- nothing I shouldn't expect, right?   
  
I've been looking for a potion that removes scars. Its terribly hot in the castle with all the fires lit, and the long-sleeved robes are really heavy. I'll research more after winter holiday, which happens to be in a couple days...darn. I don't want to leave Hogwarts!  
  
Well- this entry has been long enough!   
  
Snape thought about what he read, slightly troubled. Did Jasmine have an eating disorder? No- who could have an EDO with the food the house elves cook? He turned a couple pages, seeing that she did not write over the winter break. He started reading the next entry, glancing at the clock to make sure he still had time before she came for her detention.   
  
3:12am Sunday, January 3  
  
I am so glad to be back at Hogwarts. Just a few days with my family can remind me of everything I hate about them. Mother forgot to take her "happy pills" and was slapping me every other minute for something or other- I'm sure my face is swollen. Lucky for me, Father was not there- he got arrested for DWI the day before Christmas, and mother let him stay in jail. When he got out for New Years, I stayed over at Aunt Sara's; she knows what he is like. On the first, knowing that he would be pasted out beyond any awakening, I went back and finished packing up all my stuff (there wasn't much). Aunt Sara is trying to get custody of me, but the courts won't let her. That doesn't mean that I can't live at her house, does it?   
  
I finally reached my weight goal-100. YAY for me!!!  
  
As much as I love Hogwarts, I miss my youth group so much! I went to the Christmas service and said hey to all my old friends...gosh I miss them.  
  
An abusive family? What is going on in this girl's life? Snape look again to the clock- the detention wasn't for half an hour still. He read entry after entry, some times skipping around, reading the various poems that were spread throughout the notebook. The further he read, the more concerned he became. She keeps writing about facing the Dark Side- is she working with the Death Eaters? What made him more troubled were the poems. They hinted at self-harm, and even some of them were close to suicide notes. Almost every entry she wrote about helping some poor student past some affliction. Snape, partially disgusted at what her peers get upset over, debated at which was the best way to confront Jasmine about her family....  
  
Jasmine, leaving the potion classroom, ran up to her quarters. After making sure that the portrait was shut all the way- she let out a piercing scream, then suddenly stopped. Not because she was worried that someone might hear her- she had a silencing charm so people wouldn't try to eavesdrop on other students, but because she realized that she was not in control of her self. ERG! I CANNOT LET HIM GET TO ME!! I CANNOT LET ANYONE GET TO ME LIKE THAT!!! Jasmine- you MUST get control of yourself! This had been a hard week for Jasmine- Her homework was piling up, and more and more kids were coming in with problems that were just childish. She checked her watch- 5:00. Everyone was at dinner. She placed another privacy charm on her quarters, just to make sure no one disturbed her. Feeling full of anxiety, and extremely depressed, she lit some candles, trying to get her nerves under control. What was upsetting her was more then just her peers and Snape: it was more then that. A few months ago, she discovered she had new powers. One day, while reading a book, she realized that she couldn't find her bookmark. On a whim, she willed a napkin to transfigure into one....and when it did, well, she was certainly surprised. Over the last few weeks, she had taught herself to do some simple spells and charms without her wand. What really scared her was that sometimes she did things, without meaning to. A day before, she had almost been found out. In Professor Trelawney's class, she had levitated a crystal ball across the room. Lucky for her no one saw, but if they had....  
  
She sat down at her desk, and pulled out a piece of paper and pencil. She didn't have to wait long for the words to start spilling out of her....  
  
No Big Deal  
  
A little cut  
  
It's no big deal  
  
All I want to do  
  
Is feel.   
  
The sharp cold blade  
  
The line of red  
  
I know I've felt  
  
When I have bled  
  
It's no big deal  
  
It doesn't hurt  
  
Tomorrow I'll just wear  
  
A long sleeved shirt.  
  
She paused after the last line. With her eyes closed, she took several deep breaths. When she opened her eyes again, she saw that she had accidentally transfigured the pencil into a blade. Immediately she dropped it, pushing back her chair so hard she ended up falling over. She, in a hysterical sobs, crawled over to the rug, where she just sat a cried. Jasmine- get a hold of yourself! You are stronger then this! You cannot let yourself fall in to that cycle again! Cutting doesn't solve any problems! She tried to calm herself, and with some struggle, lifted herself off the floor and into the bathroom. She washed off her face and cast a charm on herself to tidy up her robes. With a quick peek at her watch, rushed off to the Great Hall to grab a bit before heading to the dungeons.   
  
As she approached the classroom door, she slowed her pace and made her face blank. She wasn't going to let Snape win this battle.... 


End file.
